Another year has passed without Sean. 19 years ago today, the age he was when he passed. It seems like a long time ago but time has passed too quickly. Some days I think of him a lot and others I feel guilt for not thinking of him more. Wishing he were here to celebrate the good times, the holidays and to help me get through those tough moments. In the last year he has missed birthdays, getting to meet my brother’s girlfriend, an amazing family trip to our cousin’s wedding in Colorado, Connor’s first birthday, grandma’s 94th surprise brunch and countless other family events.
To be honest, this is the most difficult blog of the year. Usually it takes me maybe 30 minutes to write a blog but with this I started it last Thursday, revisited it Sunday and finally finished today. In the last few years I have found great comfort and a sense of purpose by working with the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. Participating in their local walks to raise awareness and support has proven to me that I’m not alone.
Keeping in touch with Sean’s friends is also cathartic. The messages I receive with their memories of him make me laugh because he was funny and make me cry because I miss him. If I can help raise money to bring awareness and support so no one else has to experience this makes me happy. Please consider donating to this great organization by clicking here.
There have been countless moments in my life where I had the “insert foot in mouth” moments and today’s was probably the best of the best!
I was telling a co-worker about Marnie the Dog seen below. If you aren’t familiar, she is a shih-tzu that has a muscle problem in her neck which results in a cocked neck and tongue hanging 24/7. Instagram her: @marniethedog
And the conversation continues:
Co-worker: There was a girl I played basketball with who had that problem. Her neck was always cocked to the side.
Me: Maybe she was a conjoined twin. Did she have a nubbin on her other shoulder where a head used to be (ie American Horror Story)
Co-worker: No but my mom was a conjoined twin. Her sister passed away during the surgery to separate them as babies.
Luckily my co-worker didn’t take any offense to it however, conjoined twins are super rare and what are the chances of me making a joke!!!!!!!! What are you most memorable foot in mouth moments?
Another #tbt is upon us and what better way to celebrate than show updates on my progress. The pic of the left was taken about a year and a half ago getting friendly with a Japanese status at a sushi restaurant and to the right is this morning.
Even though the physicial change is awesome the most important thing to me is how I feel. When I started my little journey I was so tired of feeling crappy and the contstant guilt in my head about what I ate or saying that I’ll change tomorrow just wasn’t working. I finally did something about it and I couldn’t be happier.
I have learned so much about food and what is good for me to get through my day and what isn’t. By no means am I perfect because I’ve recently eaten a Chalupa and enjoyed my first chicken & waffles (and yes I was totally sober), but moderation is key as is movement!
No matter what you do just keep moving. I’ve tried so many cool things in the last 18 months to find out what works for me and that’s part of discovering who you are. I’ve tried boot camp, TRX, spin, yoga, swimming, paddle boarding and running. They were all awesome but what will keep you interest to keep going? That’s what will work for you.
If you’re looking for a gym buddy or someone to bounce something off of, let me know because I’m happy to help! And, thanks for being part of my journey!
A few weeks ago I lost a beloved member of our family, my uncle Jack. He was a strong, funny and loving guy who always made me feel special. His laugh was contagious and he seemed to touch everyone’s life in a positive way. Every time I saw him he told me I was beautiful. Since I always felt less than that, those words really boosted my confidence in a profound way.
My uncle was a cop in Newark for 30+ years ending this career as Lieutenant and experienced the race riots of the 60’s alongside my grandfather who was Chief at the time. Luckily for me I come from a long line of strong, courageous and good people! During the services my uncle son, Kevin, spoke about his courage. Not only did he have incredible courage on the streets of Newark but he faced tremendous adversity at home; two of his sons had gone through major medical challenges and he lost his wife four years ago.
When I lose a loved one it forces me to think about life. What have I done on this Earth to make my mark? What will people remember me for? Perhaps I’m a freak who thinks too much and cares too much about what people think but what do we learn from people who have gone before us?
I may not be a famous actress or a Nobel Prize winner but in my own corner of the world I hope to have left these things behind:
- To inspire people to feel good about themselves. Through my blog or even just through conversation I want people to know they aren’t alone because we all struggle with body image, confidence, relationships, family, money, work, friends etc.
- Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Just like my uncle told me that I’m beautiful, what can you say to your loved ones to make them feel good?
- Happiness. No matter what makes you happy in life, go for it. Do what makes you happy because in the words of Ferris, “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around every once in a while you could miss it”. What are we doing here if we aren’t happy?
Maybe I sound like a peace loving hippie but let the love shine in bitches! Namaste.
I am so excited about this year’s Biggest Loser because it features former athletes who had given up on their healthy regiments and fighting back to get in shape again. I recently find myself in the same position. I had started a weight loss journey and have admittedly gotten off track.
I am not back where I started but I had worked so hard that I needed a reminder that it doesn’t just stop and I have to keep going! I ask myself, what is holding you back from moving forward? It’s mostly fear! It’s funny because I have written about fear being a wall blocking us from what we want and here I am, in fear.
I have a big fear of failing. What if I fail at getting back on track? What if I start up boot camp again and everyone I had worked out with is so far ahead of me now? I am a naturally competitive person but need to remind myself that my only competition is me!
So, here I am reminding myself and you not to be afraid and the only person who can make a change is you. Who wants to get back on track with me? I’ll be your workout buddy near or far. Let’s do this!
In the beginning of the summer I set a goal for myself of completing the Jersey Shore Golden Grand Prix. It was a fairly lofty goal since I had never done any five mile races and had to complete two! The races to complete were the Spring Lake 5, George Sheehan Classic, Belmar 5, Asbury Park 5K and the Pier House 5K and I did it!
I had moments that I shed a tear because it was so hot and didn’t think I could do it but I am most thankful for my mom being there at each one. Having the support of a loved one is so important and I couldn’t have done it without her.