Sean

sean

18 years ago today my older brother, Sean, took his life.  It’s hard to believe it’s been 18 years.  I think back on that week and I don’t remember very much, in fact I don’t remember very much before 1995.  It’s almost as if my brain wiped everything away at that moment.

I do recall my parents coming into my bedroom that night sitting on the end of my bed and waking me up at 11:07pm (I vividly remember seeing my Sony digital clock next to my bed) and telling me the news.  I remember my Aunt Kathy making me a sandwich that week, a funny joke Kevin M. made during his eulogy at the funeral and sitting with my friend Dave B. at the repast.  That’s it.

Kevin had given a great eulogy and I had always been envious and proud of people who could hold it together during a very sad time.  That same year my grandfather had died.  I had written a letter to him but couldn’t read it aloud at the funeral knowing I would break so I asked my mother to.

My original plan was to write a eulogy for Sean but after writing a couple paragraphs I didn’t feel I was being authentic.  The truth is I am still angry.  I’m angry that he did what he did.  I’m angry that he’s missing on Christmas morning as we open gifts.  I’m angry that he isn’t at my 5Ks cheering for me and angry that he’ll never be there for my future children.  I’m angry at the pain this has caused my family.  This is why I raise money for suicide prevention/awareness because I don’t want anyone else to experience this.

I am not an angry person but deep down I’m still pissed off.  How do we get past a death?  Do we ever?

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11 thoughts on “Sean

  1. We never move past death just learn to live with it. It’s the anger we need to let go of. The anger takes away from the fact that we are still here. Alive, feeling, helping and touching others like you are! He IS with you. All the way!! A quick decision that was not thought completely through makes him not here physically but spiritually he’s here. Try not to punish him for being weak but embrace him for being there with you always. I don’t know if this helped at all but I love you!!!

  2. I remember like it was yesterday – it was such a lousy year for our family – losing Uncle Irv and Neil and then Sean. It was in that year that I got engaged and married and all I could think of was, “What a miserable way for my husband to need my family!” I can’t imagine what you must feel and I think and pray for your family on this day every year. Love to all if you today!

  3. Beautiful post. So honest. I can understand how you are still angry and can’t imagine the depth of your anger and sadness. Just remember mental illness is a disease and he wasn’t thinking of the hurt he would cause you, he just wanted to escape the pain he was feeling. I am sure you have heard all that before and it probably doesn’t help, but I am thinking of you and your family as are many others today!

  4. Liz my heart goes out to you. Death of a loved one never leaves us. His illness was not who he was. Our bodies are made up of chemicals, diabetes, cancer. People die of these things but we can’t make them responsible for the pain we feel because we love and need them. They are responsible for the love we feel, the kiss in that picture and that impish grin seen at times. Celebrate those times that you had even for that short time. You have honored your brother in so many ways. He’s smiling down on you, smile back.

  5. Pingback: Another Year Without You Here | Changing Liz

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