How I Got Here: Part VIII

Manasquan Inlet – March 2018

Needless to say, Brian and I had gotten back together.  I felt like I would never forgive myself for giving up on us too quickly.  I was also at a point where I felt like I needed to do something different with my life.  I had always lived in NJ (minus my college years) and I had two choices: move away from my family to be with Brian in California or stay in NJ with my family and nothing changes.

While walking along the Manasquan Inlet I told Brian, “I’m in!”  It was the right time and I didn’t feel scared about going to California – not one second.  We were so happy to know we had each other in life.  We consider ourselves a team and he had shown me that time and again.

What was scary?  Telling my family.  I am fairly certain they didn’t believe I would actually follow through.  You see, I’ve always had pretty bad homesickness.  As a kid I was often invited to friend’s sleepovers.  I would also call my parents at night when most of the girls were sleeping and ask my parents to pick me up.  They always did.

I felt like this would be the biggest challenge of my life.  I made a decision to go way out of my comfort zone to take a chance on a relationship.  A relationship that was still very new.  If there was any gesture that would secure how committed we were to each other, this was certainly it!

By the first week of May, we were off to visit CA so I could get acclimated with the area.  We drove around a lot to determine where we would live.  I immediately fell in love with what’s called North County (the northern part of San Diego county) and I knew I wanted to be near the beach.

Along the North County tour, I found my favorite place, the Oceanside Pier. It’s a long wooden pier that extends nearly 2,000 feet over the Pacific Ocean.  Locals are often fishing off the pier or watching surfers ride their next wave.  I could see names carved into the wooden railings along the pier of people who had donated money for the pier’s restoration project in the late 1980’s.

As Brian and I were walking on the pier, I got this strange feeling that this place would be my home.  In that moment, I went to grab Brian’s arm to exclaim that I was totally committed to this move but something caught my eye.  The words escaped my mouth and all I could do was point to the wood as my jaw dropped to the floor…

Oceanside Pier




How I Got Here: Part VII

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I had ended our relationship because I thought things were supposed to be a certain way.  We should have a house, 2.5 kids, great jobs and everything would be perfect.  I quickly came to realize that is just not realistic!  Why does it have to be that way?  Why did I think I had to have it that way?  No one I know has it all but they are happy and grateful for what they have.

Brian had also started talking about moving back to California and bringing me.  I was NOT on board.  How could I leave my family?  My mom just lost her mother and my brother had just gotten engaged.  I had to be in New Jersey to support them.

After we broke up, I was in a deep depression.  I couldn’t get out of bed all weekend.  I couldn’t eat.  I had broken a man’s heart who only wanted to love me.  I had broken my own heart because what I wanted all along was for someone to love me and be my partner; I didn’t realize I had that.

After I got out of my funk, we started talking and hanging out again because after all, we were always good friends.  While were continued our friendship things at work started to go downhill.  The company that I loved working for quickly became a place that was not a good fit for me.  There is only so much a person can take and then they break.

As I was exiting the company, I felt broken, lost and hurt.  I wasn’t sleeping or eating again, my normal level of anxiety became unbearable.  My therapist was concerned for my health and quickly sent me to the doctor.  My doctor prescribed meds to even me out and get back on track.

I don’t like taking any medication but it has helped me tremendously.  I always considered myself to be even keeled and I didn’t know what mood I would wake up with anymore.  After a couple of weeks, everyone noticed a change.  My mind was more clear and I felt more engaged with people as opposed to always thinking about the next thing I had to do.

And Brian healed me.  He was there and saw me at my worst but yet was my cheerleader.  He pushed me to stand up for myself and to be more confident.  What I wanted all those years was standing right in front of me.  In that moment of realizing I had what I wanted, I knew I needed to make a change in my life and do something for me.

To be continued…